TRUMAN J SLUGHOUND IIII
MAgENtA gREetiNGs. IT is I, TRumAN j. SLughOUnd III. i AM SPEAKing TO you vIa AN inGeniOUS coNTrivANCe CreaTeD bY RiCHaRD GOuld AND stEPHEN DAwkiNS. VIA THIs DevICe, my moLLUsCOid nEw DIXie-ite neuRAL paTHWayS Are CONvertED inTO tEXt YouR mORe PRImitIVE maMMalIAn BraIn CAN unDERstand.
i PUlseD FuchsIA whEN i waS aSKed TO wrITe THis edIToriAL. NOrmALLy mASTER GLEnn bOB dOES not LET me Near THE TYPewriter as I ooZE aLL oveR it, anD afTER a LOng PASsaGe, ManY of tHE keYS AND sometIMES the ENtire TYPewriTER wILL be MIssiNG. iT IS hARdLy MY faUlt IF YOUR tyPEWrITERs ARE so deLICIOUS.
iN anY casE – tHIs WeEk’s EDitiOn contAIns imPORtaNT iNfORMatiON froM THE filES of the uNITED KingdDOM sHADOW MINIstry. OncE yOU have ReAD it, YOU sHOuld Eat YouR cOMputER. fOr BeSt ReSultS, i RECOMMend eaTiNg A wINteL comPUTER.
UTTERMOST SECRET – DEEP BLACK CLEARANCE – DO NOT PRINT OUT AND LEAVE ON TRAIN
SUBJECT NAME: Vladlena Matveyevna Ilyushina
BORN: Krasnaya Zvezda 3 (third planet of Ross 248), May 1, 1987
FATHER: Matvei Nikolaevich Ilyushina (assumed liquidated)
MOTHER: Inessa Levovna Alistratova (assumed assimilated by Sternekinder, 2000)
HEIGHT: 5 feet four inches
WAISTLINE: (estimated) 25 inches
DRESS SIZE: (estimated) 12
FAVOURITE BOOK: Unknown
FAVOURITE PAINTING: Unknown
FAVOURITE MUSICAL ARTIST: Unknown
FAVOURITE INFANTRY WEAPON: Zodiarms ‘Johnny Three’, Sternekinder Anti-Robot Cannon, Zodiarms Rotary Denazificator, Orgonizer Grenade, Vickers-Ferguson Robosheep models 4D through 4M
CIGARETTES OF CHOICE: Romeo y Julieta, Montecristo, Gauloises, Benson & Hedges, Winston, Marlboro, Rothmans. If all other brands are unavailable, raw tobacco shovelled into the mouth. If raw tobacco shovelled into the mouth is unavailable, White Sea Canal or Happy Communist Pioneer brand.
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Significant nicotine staining
FAVOURITE COMMUNIST IDEOLOGY: Luxemburgism
IF WON MISS WORLD TITLE, WOULD USE MONEY TO: Redistribute wealth to the proletariat. Also buy many cigarettes and stockpile ammunition for the coming apocalypse.
HEY! VLADLENA! HOW MUCH IS A PINT OF MILK? Milk comes in powdered form and is sold by the kilogramme in plastic sacks by the benevolent state. It is made in in milk factories, and raw milk material is mined out of the ground on Milk Producing Planets. The pint is an outmoded pre-revolutionary fluid measure. Your question is meaningless.
FAVOURITE COLOUR: Red
FAVOURITE CLIFF RICHARD VIDEO: Wired for Sound. Crazy daddio.
About the author
Dominic Green was born some time ago. He remembers when telephones were attached to the wall with cables. As a child, he was lied to by magazines that told him he would be living on the Moon in the year 2000 wearing silver rocket boots. People have been publishing science fiction by him since 1996, ha! The fools. In 2006, he was nominated for a Hugo Award for his story, The Clockwork Atom Bomb. He is married, three cats tolerate his presence, and his dog follows his every move obsessively, because he keeps cheese in his pockets.
Glutton for punishment? Why not try these on Amazon:
Ant and Cleo Volume 1: Saucerers and Gondoliers
Flying saucers do not land in country parks. They are not piloted by Englishmen. They do not bear nameplates saying “HAWKER SIDDELEY AVIATION.” And they are never, ever filled with smuggled catering packs of Monster Munch.
Britain has had a top secret colony in space for decades. Unfortunately, the colony has grown tired of being run by the mother country – and the mother country has decided it’s time to send in the troops. Between these two sides are Anthony Stevens and Cleopatra Shakespeare, abducted from England and hurled into a war between Britain, America, and the newly, fiercely independent United States of the Zodiac.
Where is the mysterious hidden colony of Gondolin? How did the United States of America come to have interstellar spacecraft in the 1950s? And who or what is Truman J. Slughound the Third? Find out in a story guaranteed to contain colour-changing aliens, Godless communists from Altair, rednecks from Barnard’s Star, space fighters, rocket pistols, death by ecstasy, very bad hair, and more explosions than you can shake a stick at.
Ant and Cleo Volume 2: Sister Ships and Alastair
Somewhere in Bedfordshire, someone may be working on a bomb that could destroy a world. Mysterious Men in Black need Ant and Cleo to find out for sure, but they’ll have to get past Flossie and the girls first…
Ant and Cleo Volume 3: There Ain’t Gonna Be No World War Three
Cleo is so glad not to be going to Germany. She hates sausages, and knows for a fact that every adult German is forced to wear Lederhosen from birth. But Commodore Drummond needs Ant and Cleo in Germany – there is a thing there, long forgotten, that could change the course of the war with Earth. Unfortunately, Larry’s not far behind them – and this time, he’s in wolf’s clothing…
Ant and Cleo Volume 4: Destination Alpha Four
In the Sunset Desert of Alpha Centauri A Four are three immense structures. For nearly thirty years, these massive mines have used United States of the Zodiac prisoners to dig uraninite out of the ground by hand. No-one escapes from Alpha Four. Once you are sent there, established wisdom considers you as good as dead.
It’s time for Ant and Cleo to prove established wisdom wrong…
Ant and Cleo Volume 5: Dog On The Highway
For fifteen years, the Sternekinder have been launching pirate attacks on United States of the Zodiac shipping. If their hidden homeworld of Asgard could be found an end could be put to this, and Charity Drummond and Cleopatra Shakespeare have seen Asgard’s sky – but no-one else in the cadet corps is prepared to believe Asgard even exists…
Ant and Cleo Volume 6: At The Goings Down of the Suns
Earth’s problem children are coming home, and no-one’s killing the fatted calf to welcome them.
Bad things are happening back in the Really Old Country. Alastair Drague is getting nervous. Things are going on in his capital city that his own people either can’t or won’t make head or tail of. What is going on, and is it linked to something murderously efficient out at Barnard’s Star that seems to be killing United States of the Zodiac starships? Drague needs fresh minds on the problem. He needs U.S.Z. Intelligence, and its newest special agents, Anthony Stevens and Cleopatra Nefertiti Shakespeare. But Drague’s own people are getting nervous about Drague himself…
Ant and Cleo Volume 7: Time Held Me Green and Dying
What is going on? Anthony Stevens is working as a hick town barnstormer; Cleopatra Shakespeare is reading fortunes in a circus; Jochen von Spitzenburg is back making coffee for his social betters in a side street café. Tamora Shakespeare and Vladlena Ilyushina are mixing with criminals, smuggling goods between Earth and Laputa. To cap it all, Elizabeth Ortega is still at large, and working with the complete assistance of Captain Yancy and Commodore Bentley Drummond. Surely this isn’t the happy ending everyone worked so hard for – and whose are those spindle-shaped ships dropping out of the dull green skies of the United States of the Zodiac’s capital planet?
…and coming soon….
Ant and Cleo Volume 8: The Moon a Ghostly Galleon